Fear the Moonlight
by deeplyshallow
Summary: You know something's deadly wrong when Galinda gets spots, Avaric squeals like a girl, Boq does a strip tease and Fiyero and Boq are caught making out… complete shameless parody
1. Where Fiyero's Compared to Half a Cookie

**So, um, yeah, this was not exactly what I had planned on writing next but the damn idea would not shut up so here it is.**

**This story's got quite a long history actually, I had the idea about a year and a half ago actually, but decided to give it as an idea to another person in Squint's Summer Fic Exchange Challenge, but then came 'Wicked and the Attack of the Badfic Author' and Moonlight simply would not go away until I wrote her into another fic so here it is. As I just mentioned Moonlight my wonderful, beautiful, sexy and long named Sue previously appeared in my parody 'Wicked and the Attack of the Badfic Author' but it is not necessary to read it to understand this fic. It also draws references from 'my immortal' commonly known as the worst fanfic ever, google 'my immortal fanfic' it's well worth the read but yet again not necessary for understanding this fic.**

**Updates are probably going to be weekly, as I'm currently excitedly writing all of this, but it's still subject to change.**

**A big thanks to Crazybeagle who read over this for me and helped me name Fiyero's unicorn (yes you read that right), Bang You're Dead who listened to me rabbit on about this and told me I was crazy at regular intervals and Wicked is My Crack for letting me use the idea – I still really hopes she completes her story :)**

**Disclaimer: Unlike most parody sue authors I do claim Moonlight, I'm quite fond of her actually, she's my little pet – although I still prefer my kitty by far. I don't however own Wicked, but given how much this story destroys the canon I'm not sure how much of this Wicked could be claimed by Maguire or Schwartz...**

* * *

"My. Hair. Is. Greasy! My hair is greasy!"

Elphaba rolled her eyes, "If you think deafening me with your squeals will make me tell you your hair is even more _luscilicious _than usual you're clearly delusional," she replied simply, "look there's your boyfriend maybe he can give you the complements you desire."

Fiyero grinned up at them from the cafeteria table although neither he nor Elphaba dared to quite meet each other's eyes – the events of the day before still lingering on their minds, "Hey, Galinda what's up?"

"Fifi! It's tragic! My hair is horrendifyed and I washed it this morning!"

"I really can't see any difference Galinda, you look just as beautiful as ever."

"You're always beautiful Miss Galinda," echoed Boq.

Nessa scowled, "You know, I think it is a little greasier than usual."

"_Thank you!_" Galinda exclaimed, waving her hands melodramatically, "Something is wrong!"

"Come to think of it I think I'm getting a spot," Nessa said, her voice now less bitter than puzzled, "something odd is happing to us. Perhaps a curse, perhaps…"

"Hormones?" suggested Elphaba.

"Well I thought I looked even sexier than usual this morning," added Fiyero quickly.

Elphaba rolled her eyes.

"So did I!" piped in Boq.

Fiyero looked at him, "You were never sexy."

"Then why did it look like I had grown a six pack over night?"

"But… you… Munchkin… six pack… impossible…" Fiyero spluttered.

"No really," Boq assured him.

"But that's not pos…"

"Can you boys quit staring at each other's chests until you're in your own dorms? I'm trying to eat he…" Elphaba trailed off as she realised the entire room had gone silent and everyone was staring at the girl who had just entered. Unexplained anxiety building up inside her she too turned towards the door.

A sexily beautiful girl mystically floated into the room. Her beautiful, sexy, glistening, ungreasy, luscilicious, sexy thigh-length, strawberry blonde hair flowed gracefully behind her like freshly spun pure gold thread if it was a million times more pretty and a billion times more sexy. She did not wear the Shiz uniform because she was too sexy for that but instead a beautiful flowing dress that sparkled sexily with fishnets which showed off that she was sexily thin enough to be anorexic (but wasn't) and that she had sexily big boobs. She looked like a combination of Amy Lee and Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth. As she gracefully danced towards them she sparkled like Edward Cullen in the sunlight but much more sexily and it made her look even more beautiful. Her glowing orbs looked like multicoloured violet limpid pools.

She smelt like fresh roses on a fresh spring day, combined with that really posh perfume (you know the stuff film stars buy), and freshly baked bread and chocolate and doughnuts and that good McDonalds smell and like the breeze on a summer's day and like what Bella smells like to Edward but better and sexier and more beautiful.

The entire room looked at her, speechless. Finally Fiyero found his voice, "Wow!" the rest of the boys nodded in synchrony.

Still staring at the newcomer in awe Fiyero walked up to her, got onto one knee and then sung her a well sexy song (which just happened to be as long as your mine – no one noticed how out of context it was) then he said in a sexy British accent that he had never had before "Pray tell me what is your name fair maiden?"

"Fair maiden?" Elphaba muttered when she had regained the ability to speak again.

The girl giggled, her musical charms making all the small animals in the Shiz wood run in and start dancing around her, her pet florescent pink sparkly unicorn looked through the window, "My name is Moonlight Indigo India Glitter Sparkles Moonshine Glimmer Diarrhoea Silver Golden Mary Enoby Eagle Sunrise Slytherin Dee Belle Raven Edwina Alice Vampyre Pixie Wolfe Goodness Trixiebelle Tinkerbelle Violet Ariel Dawn Dusk Noon New Moon Tara Eclipse Twilight Smith but you can call me Moonlight for short! I'm the most popular girl in the world and stunningly beautiful and the Queen of the Kingdom of Eternal Moonlight!"

"I love you, Moonlight Indigo India Glitter Sparkles Moonshine Glimmer Diarrhoea Silver Golden Mary Enoby Eagle Sunrise Slytherin Dee Belle Raven Edwina Alice Vampyre Pixie Wolfe Goodness Trixiebelle Tinkerbelle Violet Ariel Dawn Dusk Noon New Moon Tara Eclipse Twilight Smith!" declared Fiyero passionately, "Will you marry me?"

"OMEC, YES! Fiyero! YES!" Moonlight shrieked, "For we are soul mates destined to be together from the dawn of time, we are like a pair of swans who will die without their true mate, we are like a kiddies jigsaw puzzle with only two pieces that fit together really easily, we are like two halves of a friendship bracelet except we are a loveship bracelet, we are like a cookie cracked in half then put together again!"

At this point Galinda, her hair (like most of the other girls in the room) damp with grease and face bursting with spots, burst into tears and Elphaba, feeling rather nauseous herself (she had suddenly taken the appearance of what she thought she might have looked like if she was a baddie in a movie someone had made about a girl who had squashed her sister with a house and then set out to kill her), escorted her out the room.

However, they did not run fast enough to miss Moonlight's tinkering sexy shrieks of, "Why yes of course I can marry you too Boq! I spoke to the Wizard just yesterday and he said I could marry as many people as I wanted!"


	2. Where Boq Does a Strip Tease

**And now may I present to you the next sexy chapter – I take no responsibility for any sexy brain damage caused by the reading of this chapter.**

**To anyone trying to do a sexy count… good luck.**

****

_Don't judge by first impressions, _Elphaba told herself, _it's a silly human instinct that must be ignored. Remember Galinda? Your best friend? Remember Fiyero? Your… _Images of Fiyero staring across the cage at her the day before filled her mind. However, they were soon obliterated by seeing him run away moments later and then his proposal to Moonlight earlier that morning, not to mention he was her best friend's boyfriend – she shouldn't be thinking about him like that anyway… _OK, don't remember Fiyero, but remember Galinda, I mean she wasn't quite as annoying as she first seemed. Maybe Moonlight and her annoying Fiyero stealing perfectness will grow on me…_

Elphaba wasn't convinced. Anyway, it was hard to concentrate on thinking when you were handing tissues to your best friend who had been sobbing in the girls toilets for the last, Elphaba estimated, six hours.

"Oh Elphie, he's perfect and now he's LEFT ME! And I'm UGLY!"

She would have laughed if it had been another context, well laughed and then killed Fiyero, but for all her denial Elphaba was sure they were dealing with something deadly.

"I want to kill her."

_Me too, _"Galinda, I'm sure she's not really as bad as she seems, I bet this has all just been a big misunderstanding."

"Yeah right."

_Exactly._

_Shut up._

She sighed, "Galinda, come on, you're going to have to come out eventually, I'm sure it's not really as bad as it looks"

It took her another three hours to drag Galinda out.

They ran into Madame Morrible just as they left the bathroom.

"Oh Miss Elphaba, Miss Galinda, I've been looking for you everywhere."

"Sorry we missed our lessons Madame, you see Miss Galinda was emotionally scarred and decided she needed to cry her soul out in the lavatories all day."

Madame Morrible waved her words away, "Oh don't worry about it dear. We cancelled all the lessons today to celebrate the wonderful event of Moonlight coming to Shiz, in fact the Wizard has declared the day a national holiday. No, no, I was coming to talk to you about your dorm."

"What's happened to it?"

"It doesn't exist anymore," said Morrible simply, "we knocked it down to build Moonlight a palace."

Galinda's mouth fell open, Elphaba was sorely tempted to do the same, "…what?"

"It was the obvious option," Morrible explained, "the dorms were clearly far too small and plain and would be permanently damaging to Moonlight's delicate but sexy physique so we built her a palace just like her one in the Kingdom of the Eternal Moonlight but there wasn't enough space so we knocked down your dorm. We felt it was teeny tiny sacrifice for the much, much, much greater good of the wonderfully beautiful and sexy Moonlight's well being."

"So where are you intending for us to sleep?"

"Oh don't worry deary, at Shiz we make sure even the ugliest of our students are accommodated for, you girls will sleep in this mouldy old tent."

Elphaba inspected the bag of rags she had been handed, "Madame you can't expect me to sleep in this, my father has paid for me to be in a dorm."

"I'm afraid, Miss Elphaba, the sexy Moonlight's needs come before yours."

"But Madame, I'm sure you're under a legal obligation to provide me with a suitable residence…"

Morrible smiled grimly, "Not anymore I'm not, the Wizard's just passed a law saying we can do anything for the sake of dear Moonlight, now I'm off to order some new dresses for Moonlight from the Emerald City, goodnight girls."

As soon as Morrible was out of sight Elphaba turned to Galinda, who looked like she was going to sob for nine hours again, "You're right Galinda, this Moonlight needs to die, and fast."

Tents are not desirable, especially manky tents, especially when there's frost outside. Elphaba, Galinda and certain fanfiction authors couldn't believe that they'd ever had to sleep in such a horrible thing. All in all cold, dirty, greasy haired or not both girls were rather glad when the morning arrived. After all, Elphaba reasoned, she _liked_ lessons and at least the classrooms would be warm.

And warm the classrooms were but Elphaba hadn't quite bargained on her maths classroom being covered in pink lace and vilely floral smelling. Sitting in the teacher's seat was… Moonlight!

"…What are you doing here?" asked Elphaba warily.

Moonlight giggled happy, "Well I saw that all the girls here were all really ugly so I asked Madame Morrible if I could give everyone a sexy makeover lesson. And she said that I was a genius and that was the best idea she had ever heard and we should have a lesson like that everyday instead of maths because maths is boring."

"So how are we going to do calculations?"

Moonlight chuckled again, making Elphaba feel annoyingly inferior, "That's what a calculator's for seaweed! And anyway, I can do any maths problem in my head in less than a second – I'm half mathematician you know! Now you and blondie, go sit over in the 'hopeless case corner'"

Galinda was not too traumatised to not argue with that, "Excuse me _I'm _not a hopeless case."

Moonlight looked at her scathingly, "Now let's see, greasy hair, spotty face, makeup looking like it's been put on in a tent. Why Miss Galinda you really are the toughest case I've yet to face."

"But…"

"Now get into the ugly corner before a give you three years of detentions."

Galinda fumed, "Elphie?" she asked when, too angry for tears, she had finally shuffled over.

"Yes?"

"Remember when you first became my roommate and I thought you were horrible and ugly and awful and I hated you with ever tiny fibre of my being, so much so that if we were in a musical we would have sung a vaguely suggestive song about how much we loathed each other?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I do."

"Well I hate this Moonlight a bazillion times more than I hated you."

"Well it's nice to know I only come second on your worst first impressions list."

When all the class came in and were divided into their respective ugliness (which for some reason appeared to be essentially a boy/girl split) Moonlight turned sexily to the class, "Hello class," she giggled, "I'm your teacher, but don't worry I'm not a horrible geeky ugly person like Elphaba I'm still just as sexy as ever (which is like amazingly, superbly and beautifully sexy). But I'm also very sexily good too so I decided to improve all the horrible ugly people in the school so when they look in the mirror they'll only want to slit their wrists and die a little bit!"

Fiyero started clapping, "Go Moonlight!"

"Oh you're just so sexily good," Boq cheered.

"You're my one true love!" Tibbett told her.

"I love you Moonlight," Avaric squealed.

"I know you do," replied Moonlight, "now come on, let's get makeovering, remember to put on these sexy latex gloves – we don't want to get any ugly germs."

"Ugly germs," spat Elphaba uglily, "you do know there's no such thing?"

"Don't even say that," cried Moonlight beautifully, suddenly her beautiful sapphire blue and emerald green sparkly orbs filled sexily with tragic scarlet tears of blood which trailed beautifully in little spirals down her sexy pallid face, "for my own dear, beautiful, innocent, honest, pure, sexy mother died of ugly germs. My father was so depressed that he got amnesia and sexily forgot that if you stab yourself in the chest with a sword you died. I was sexily left orphaned and alone on and iceberg and was raised by lions and then they DIED."

All the boys (who were all so good and sensitive) eyes filled with sexy manly tears when they heard Moonlight's tragic and unfortunate tale. Elphaba looked faintly nauseous.

But Moonlight swallowed bravely and sexily and left her tragic past behind her, "Now come on we've got loads and loads and loads of unuglifying to do!"

The next hour or so were the most torturous of Elphaba's life and by the end she was wondering why she'd ever pitied the witches burnt at the stake during the time of the Ozma. Oz, if they could see her now _they'd _pity her.

Finally, just after Moonlight had declared (sexily), "Oh just wear a paper bag over your head, it's the only way you could ever not give children nightmares and old ladies heart attacks when you look at them." The bell for the next class rang.

Dragging along a hysterical Galinda, ("Elphie, I'm not ugly, I'm not! I think Moonlight needs glasses… I mean she is wrong, right? I'm not ugly am I?"), Elphaba was surprised that she was most looking forward to a lesson taught by Doctor Nikidik – at least he didn't have over twenty names.

"You know what?" she muttered to Galinda, "I was wrong about Moonlight. A fast death is too good for her – she needs to die a slow and painful death – preferably involving flesh eating slugs."

But she was in for yet another shock as she entered the history classroom.

"Doctor Dillamond! You're back!"

Doctor Dillamond smiled at her, "Yes, Miss Elphaba I'm back. Moonlight got the Wizard to reinstate me, she also made sure he gave back all the Animals their rights and ended world poverty."

Before Elphaba had a chance to even gasp in response Moonlight sexily skipped into the room beautifully.

Doctor Dillamond beamed at her, "Ah, there you are my favourite pupil! Did I tell you? For your amazingness I'm going to give you straight As in all my classes."

Moonlight giggled, "Oh! My! Jonas! Thank you so much Dilly!"

"Anything for you sexy Moonlight."

"That's completely unfair," Elphaba grumbled, "what's the point in getting grades without knowing the information… wait, did he just call Moonlight sexy?" But there was a greater problem troubling her, Moonlight had just done what she had always wanted to do. Moonlight had fought the cause that she would have happily given her life for and won, easily and perfectly – how could she hate someone who had done something so right?

Still, Doctor Dillamond's return had undoubtedly been the only good thing that had happened to her all day and, for the moment, Elphaba was just content to sit back and listen to Doctor Dillamond's teaching. Although she was pretty sure normally he'd tell Fiyero off for carving '3 FT luvs 3' into the desk.

…That was until about two minutes into the lesson when Moonlight let out a dainty and undeniably beautiful yawn, "Dilly, history's sooooo boring, can't we do something more interesting?"

Doctor Dillamond looked up at her. _That's it, _thought Elphaba, _that little cow has finally made a mistake, there's no way Doctor Dillamond would ever take someone insulting his subject kindly. _

Moments later she scolded herself for her naivety as Doctor Dillamond's face broke out into a grin, "You're soooo totally right Moonlight! I don't know why I didn't see the boringness of history before. Let's do karaoke instead!" and he pressed a button on his desk that Elphaba had never noticed before and suddenly the room turned into a karaoke studio and Doctor Dillamond was wearing DJ clothes which, if asked beforehand, Elphaba would have assured anyone he would rather have lost his ability to speak than wear.

"Who wants to go up first?"

"Oh me, me!" Shouted Fiyero, bouncing up and down, Doctor Dillamond (or DJ Dilly as he now called himself) handed him the mike.

"This song is dedicated to my true love Moonlight," he told the class passionately and sexily, his voice full of desire for his one true love, and suddenly he sung 'My Heart Will Go On' in his sexy new British accent. Everyone cheered as his voice was so sexy. All the girls were jealous because he was singing it to Moonlight and not them.

Elphaba sat sulking in the corner.

Next up was Boq, he sung 'I'm Too Sexy' while doing a strip tease, when he took off his shirt to reveal his ultra sexy eight pack abs and sexy muscles. All the girls swooned at his sexiness but he ignored them all except Moonlight who he swept into his arms and kissed passionately until she awoke again. Everyone cheered.

"I think I'm going to be sick," muttered Elphaba from the corner.

She looked over at Galinda, now for from able to even be comforted, curled up in little ball muttering, "This is not happening; it's all just a horrendifyed dream. I'll wake up and I'll be pretty again and Fiyero will be my future husband and Biq will not be sexy and…"

Elphaba had never thought she'd wanted exactly what Galinda wanted quite as much as she did now.

After every boy in the class had sung about just how much they loved Moonlight and even a couple of girls had tried singing (although they only managed to produce vile screeching noises and put grease and dirt onto the microphone) Fiyero spoke up, "It's not fair, we've all sung sexily but you have a voice of an angel Moonlight you must sing to us you sexy beast."

Moonlight giggled musically, "Ok Fiyeroypoo, anything for you!"

She walked sexily onto the stage, her golden curls flowing gracefully around her like a golden waterfall in heaven. She opened her mouth and the most beautiful stream of notes ever heard came out, she sung 'Wake Me Up Inside', 'Bella's Lullaby', 'Part of Your World', 'Don't Stop Believing', 'Turn Around, Bright Eyes', 'My Immortal', 'Defying Gravity', 'Chronicles Of Life And Death', 'Seasons of Love', 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', 'Baby', 'When You Look Me In The Eyes', 'We're All In This Together' and 'This is Me' sexily. Afterwards everybody clapped for an hour and suddenly realised how ugly their voices were compared to Moonlight's.

Moonlight giggled modestly, "Yes, yes, thank you, I know I'm brilliant and super and great and beautiful and sexy, after all I am half musician."

Elphaba was sure she'd never been quite so green, "Come on Galinda," she said, dragging her distraught friend up, "I never thought I'd say this when there was not a tortured Lion Cub in the room but we need to get out of this class right now."

Galinda was happy to oblige.


	3. Where Morrible Becomes a Vegan

**I've just seen Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and was surprised to find I really liked it! While the last few films have been a letdown this one followed the cannon very well and was just very entertaining actually, long though… Has anyone else seen it? How did they like it?**

**It's Wicked Award time people! I have literally not been able to shut up about it all week. **

**It's being hosted by ElphabaROCKS this year (link on my profile), seriously if you haven't nominated already what do you think you are doing? (I mean I know I haven't yet either but that's beside the point). Thank you so much anyone who has nominated me or my fics I love you so much and you're sexy :p.**

**But aside from the fact I enjoy my ego being inflated I do genuinely love these awards, they let us appreciate and see the best of the talent that the Wicked section has produced this year.**

**So yeah get in there and nominate stuff!**

They met up with Nessa on the way to the dining hall.

"Elphaba, Boq ignored me! He told me I was dumped and he never wanted to see me again."

"He dumped you?" asked Galinda, surprised, "I thought he was too much of a coward."

Nessa glared at her, "What are you trying to say Galinda? Because I assure you Boq's love for me is completely and utterly irrevocably true."

"I didn't mean it like that, I just thought…"

"Look Nessa, the only reason Boq dumped you is because he's not in his right mind at the moment. That stupid Moonlight's enchanted him," Elphaba interrupted quickly, eager to stop the imminent fight between her sister and her best friend over a boy who wasn't remotely interested in either of them at the moment, "I'm sure he'll come right back to you if… when… as soon as we get rid of her. Care to help us find out how?"

"Wait, when did we decide to get rid of Moonlight?" asked Galinda.

"Right now," declared Elphaba, "she's annoying and self-righteous and I'm sure she's not really helped the Animals… probably… but we need to get rid of her because she's enchanted Fiyero… and everyone else… not that I care… and anyway it doesn't matter if she's there or not now as the Animals are free now… and there's no way she's normal… not that it's necessarily right to dispose of non-normal people… but _no one _is that annoyingly perfect… not that I'm jealous of her or anything." She caught herself babbling and decided to get more directly to the point, "Look, unless you fancy being told to wear a paper bag again she needs to go and fast."

Galinda pulled a face at the memory "You're right, I'll help too Elphie!"

"As will I Elphaba," Nessa piped up, "I must save poor Boq."

Elphaba privately hoped that getting rid of Moonlight would somehow result in Boq showing more affection for Nessa than he ever had before, but she wasn't going to press that issue right now, "Ok, well a small resistance is a start I guess. Do you think there's anyone else we can ask for help? Any of your brainless followers Galinda?"

Galinda thought for a moment, "None of the boys, for some reason they're under the delusion that Moonlight's more beautiful than me. But maybe some of my other friends, Pfannee and ShenShen…"

Elphaba frowned, "Well I guess they could be slightly useful. You got anyone else – preferably with more than half a brain cell between them?"

Galinda pointedly ignored the insult towards her friends, "Not that I can think of, Crope and Tibbett maybe?"

"Nope," said Elphaba swiftly, "they're lusting after Moonlight."

"Crope and Tibbett?" asked Nessa shocked, "But they're… I mean they've always been…"

"Not anymore apparently," said Elphaba grimly, "such is the power of Moonlight the excessively long named that she can turn gay guys straight. There is something about this girl that is not normal – not even human."

"I know right!" gasped Galinda, "I mean how could Fiyero ever dump me? No one could even imagine that happening in their wildest dreaming."

Elphaba hoped that no one noticed the red that now faintly tinted her cheeks, "I don't think that's even the depth of it Galinda," she said quickly, "something tells me that if we don't dispose of her fast this is just going to get worse."

She was proved right almost as soon as Moonlight turned up to dinner. Swamped by her host of male admirers and Pfannee and ShenShen.

"So Pfannee and ShenShen have become Moonlight's ugly, greasy-haired followers instead of protesting?" Elphaba muttered as they passed, "That means our resistance is even smaller than I'd expected – not that they'd be much use – but we might need cannon fodder."

They watched as Moonlight looked disdainfully at the available meals before going up to Madame Morrible, "Excuse me Madame Morrible, do you have any vegan options on the menu?"

Madame Morrible looked horrified, "Please deary call me Morry. But no sorry we don't have any vegan options, I'm so sorry sexy Moonlight, I don't know how we could have been so inconsiderate to our greatest most sexiest of pupils. I'll get you some sexy vegan food tomorrow and I suggest everyone tries it because if sexy Moonlight likes it everyone should – in fact I don't see why we should have non vegan options at all. I'll get rid of them right now and become a vegan for the rest of my life just like you!"

"And Morrible wouldn't even give me a straight answer when I asked if they were serving Animal meat…" Elphaba said furiously.

"There's no need to put all that sexy effort in Morry," giggled Moonlight sexily, "I can do it much more sexily easily." And she sexily clicked her fingers and all the evil meat food magically disappeared and it was sexily replaced with sexy vegan salads.

Everyone started cheering at this fantastical magical sexy act.

"Wow! Moonlight!" cheered Morrible, "you're so much sexily better at magic than Elphaba. I'm going to teach you instead of her from now on, not that you need much teaching because you're so sexily good, you're practically too good at magic to help the Wizard at all – maybe in a year or two – or about 30 days you could sexily replace the Wizard as the ruler of Oz."

Moonlight tittered sexily, "You're right of course Morry – although I think you've got the time scale wrong – I bet I could rule in at most 20 days, after all I am half Wizard."

"But wow Moonlight," said Morry repetitively, "you're just so amazing, I don't know why I ever thought Elphaba was good she's like the ugly green class idiot compared to your absolute sexy genius. Are you, by any chance, a child of both worlds?"

Moonlight looked most sexily offended, "No I am not Morry. I'm actually a child of all 525600 worlds!"

"Oh I'm so sorry Moonlight, I meant that of course, only a child of all 525600 worlds could have such sexily magical magic talent. I wonder, have you had any prior training in magic?"

Moonlight's irises filled once again with beautiful and beautifully formed pearly tears that danced gracefully down her sexy pallid complexion, "Oh no Madame, I was going to because my own mother was the most bestest sexy magic sorceress in the universe (except me of course) and she was going to teach me sexily the art but she tragically fell in an epic duel with Lord Voldemort. My father cried so much that he couldn't see and fell sexily down a well and I was left to be raised by a pack of felt tipped pens and had to teach myself magic just so I could get enough food to eat and water to drink and oxygen to breathe. And then the pens DIED!"

Everyone cried for a ridiculous and unrealistic amount of time at Moonlight's tragic tale, but for once Elphaba was grateful for it, it made her own tears for her own dream, that Moonlight had just shattered with a click of her fingers, slightly less noticeable. She didn't even bother to respond to Galinda's comment of "Wait, didn't her mother die of ugly germs, and isn't she half three things now?"

Furious and grief ridden Elphaba stormed up to Morrible, "Madame, please, please, surely I can still be of some use to the Wizard?"

Madame Morrible smiled at her, "Oh my dear Elphaba, of course you can be," Elphaba's heart rose, "you can empty all the Emerald City's rubbish bins," her heart fell at least six metres below her feet, "it's a very important job you know – unless Moonlight has a sexy spell for that too – although maybe you could still have that job out of pity if you did it for free."

"But you can still teach me magic can't you Madame?"

"I don't see why I should bother dear," she replied briskly, "you're nothing compared to Moonlight and it would be a much more productive use of my time to organise concerts in honour of her sexiness."

Elphaba glared at the sparkling figure smiling smugly at her before storming off. Oh she was going to enjoy killing this girl and she was going to do it as soon as possible.

**xxXxxXxXX666XXXxx**

**Sexy count:  
(includes other forms of sexy, such as sexier, sexily etc. – not including a/ns)**

**Chapter 1: 15  
Chapter 2: 34  
Chapter 3: Guess! tba next chapter**

**Running total (san chapter 3): 49**


	4. Where Galinda Wants a Unicorn

**I'm not too sure about this chapter, all this relentless parodying is getting to me a bit. But yeah, more sexy my immortal references in this because I pretty much can't resist – anyone who can spot them gets a virtual cookie.**

**For the uninformed who don't want their IQ dropping too much (or the informed who just want a lol worthy reminder) here's a summary of it (hopefully the second part will come out soon):**

**www(.)youtube(.)com/watch?v=SFTQ7_vZlG4**

**Xxxx666xxxx**

You know your day is not going to go well when you get woken up by your tent being knocked over by unicorns.

Galinda screamed, Elphaba scowled at the florescent pink sparkly creature with its colour changing mane and its equally annoying owner and wondered whether anything could surprise her anymore.

"Will you watch where you're going?"

Moonlight giggled sexily, "oh sorry ugly ones," she apologised.

"What are you doing with that _thing _anyway? We aren't even allowed pet cats at Shiz."

"Excuse me!" said Moonlight furiously in her sexy voice, "She's not a thing, this is Fluffles Snuffles Sparkly Silver Dobbin Apples Matilda Dobby Pears Peaches Raspberries Buckbeak My Little Pony Mystery Horn Glowy Glitter Comet Awesomness Bella Smith, she's my secret unicorn soul sister."

"Not much of a secret anymore," Elphaba commented.

Moonlight pointedly ignored her, "and here's her sexy boyfriend, soul mate and true love being ridden by my sexy boyfriend, soul mate and true love!" She pointed to a second unicorn, baring a close resemblance to a black stallion with wings, although it too sparkled.

"Oh please, Fiyero, no," Elphaba muttered.

"I want a unicorn!" Galinda moaned.

Fiyero grinned sexily, "Moonlight's simply the best girlfriend ever! She gave me this wonderful unicorn, his name is Pegasus Hercules Percy Angel Batman Sherlock Yero My Hero Superman Wonder-Woman Winchester Draco Dar'kness Diabolo Slytherin Voldemort Angel Satan Gotham Jonas the Third because he's so brave and I love him so much!" He squeed, hugging the sexy unicorn. Then Moonlight and Fiyero joined hands sexily and flew off on their unicorns into the sunrise leaving Elphaba and Galinda on the ground stunned.

"There is no way that Fiyero in his right mind would ever ride or _hug_ a sparkly unicorn," Elphaba said when she managed to regain her voice.

"It's not fair! Why can't I have a sparkly, flying, pink unicorn?" said Galinda.

"Galinda," Elphaba said firmly, "I may believe in rights for all Animals and respect for all animals but a pink sparkly unicorn is just… unnatural."

"But they sparkle!"

"So does radioactive goo with glitter in." Elphaba said simply, "Now let's get inside so we have time to digest the 'vegan salads' that I'm sure is the only thing the canteen sells."

Of course Elphaba should have been used to being wrong by now.

"We're not serving food here yet," the staff informed her, "we're waiting until the sexy Moonlight gets here so everyone can stare at her sexy beauty while they're eating."

"What if it puts me off my food?"

"Well you're too fat anyway green bean," said an annoyingly sexily tinkering voice happily from behind her.

"What?" said Elphaba, she'd really never been called fat before …but, she looked down at her chest, how had she managed to get so pudgy since Moonlight had arrived? "Well I'd rather have some weight than look like a skeleton any day."

"But fat people are ugly," Moonlight said sexily, "I'm much thinner than you and much more sexy than…"

"Look, if you want to be anorexic…"

"I'm not anorexic!" said Moonlight offendedly!

"Well it certainly looks like it."

Moonlight turned her nose up at Elphaba and said sexily, "I don't think I should bother to listen to someone who thinks she can stage an effective protest by asking the audience to _moo _with her."

Elphaba looked at Moonlight, confused, "I've never done that."

"Stop lying," Moonlight replied viciously, "next thing you know you'll be saying you never turned into a cartoon character and married a prince."

Elphaba rolled her eyes, "I think I'll pass on breakfast actually, I prefer not to dine with the retarded."

"You're just bitter because you're preps and not sexy like me!" she called at Elphaba and Galinda's retreating back.

The entire hall clapped and roared in agreement, calling out insults as they left the room.

"It's not fair, how come she's sexy and has a unicorn?" whined Galinda.

Elphaba was grateful that none of her lessons that morning had Fiyero and therefore Moonlight in them even if most of the time in said lessons was spent consoling the boys (all or which seemed to have grown six-packs overnight) who were crying sexy manly tears of blood because Moonlight was not in their class. But still, she found out hysterical boys were just as easy to tune out as insulting remarks, so made the most of the time with her head stuck in a book. Galinda seemed also perfectly content comforting them, even if they didn't listen to her, given their new six-packs.

She debated skipping lunch as well to avoid the hypnotised masses and of course Moonlight but in the end her hunger won out. Wishing to save as many books as possible before the library turned into a strip club or something she told Galinda to go on ahead and to try and find her something edible – if she was allowed to eat something without the saintly Moonlight's permission of course. However, by the time she arrived and met up with Nessa, Galinda was still not there.

She came in a few minutes later, face pale and screaming, melodramatically.

"Galinda, what happened?"

She waved her hands erratically, attempting to regain the ability to speak, "Broom closet moving… looked inside… Moonlight… Fiyero… making out keenly… his thingy… her you know what… I feel sick!"

"Eww," said Nessa.

"Yes, 'eww' may just be the right word for this," Elphaba agreed, "honestly, I thought even Fiyero had standards… but then again I can't say I ever thought the same of Moonlight."

When Moonlight and Fiyero finally did enter the room and allow lunch to be served, they were still entwined with rather too many red marks on their necks…

Elphaba rolled her eyes and attempted to distract Galinda before she had a nervous breakdown once again.

Soon afterwards Madame Morrible entered the room for an announcement

"I'd like to announce that this afternoon's lessons are cancelled," she announced, "instead there's going to be a sexy MCR concert in the Emerald City. Free train tickets for all except Moonlight who will take a luxurious private carriage with champagne and a butler and a sexy four poster bed and a hot tub and a ballroom. All the ugly people must go but they have to pay!"

Elphaba rolled her eyes, "No favouritism there at all. And what in Oz is MCR?"

'MCR' it turned out was a 'goffik band' who for some reason had decided to dedicate all their songs to Moonlight. However, Elphaba was unable to hear much as all the 'ugly prepz' had been placed at the back and Moonlight and her followers (including Fiyero and Boq) had deemed squealing "I LOVE YOU GERARD!1!" as much more important than actually listening to the singing.

Suddenly Gerard and the other people on stage pulled off their masks and (Moonlight gasped sexily) were actually…,…,…,…,…,…,…,…,…,…,…,... Darth Vader and the Death Dealers!

Everyone screamed as the death dealers started trying to shoot each other's arms off and some random old guy with Alzheimer's, a headache and wearing Avril Lavigne robes flew in.

"STOP IT!" screamed Moonlight sexily, "I cannot bear anymore fighting. This was how my childhood was spent. You see I lived a happy life until I was six when I was unable to stop my sexy sister eating apple pie which started the apocalypse. Then demons killed all my family and everyone else I ever knew and I had to live by myself fighting them every second of every day of every year until superman and wonder woman rescued me and then they DIED. So from now on I preach only peace, love and Jonas!"

Elphaba's brain had given up even bothering to ask what 'Jonas' was.

Darth Vader and the death dealers cried gothic sexy manly tears at Moonlight's wisdom and at once all became pacifists and Jonas Brothers.

"Thank you Moonlight you are so wise," sobbed Darth Vader (who now called himself Darth Jonas) sexily, "will you have sexy sex with me?"

"Ok," said Moonlight sexily (after all he was a total hottie).

"Slut," Elphaba muttered, "and does Fiyero your _soul mate_ have a problem with this?"

But apparently Fiyero was far too busy cheering Moonlight's sexy peacemaking to care.

"There's something very wrong with Fiyero at the moment – he's easy going but come on not that much."

"At least he has a unicorn!"

**Xxxx666xxxx**

**Sexy count: **

**Chapter 3: 24  
Chapter 4: 26  
Running total: 100!**


End file.
